Well, there it is. I have one daughter in college and one who just stepped up on the school bus like she meant business. Kindergarten. College. Elementary & Middle School. ALL.THE.FEELS. Full circle feels. I've had so many questions this week like...
"what are you going to do?"
"are you sad? happy? scared? etc. etc."
"do you think you'll go back to working outside of the home?"
"will you be taking more clients now?"
All well meaning questions. They all come out of love. The thing is...I have no idea. I have spent the last SIX YEARS raising babies, whining butts, making a million snacks, doctor appointments, driving to and from every place imaginable, all while not only starting, but managing a business. Chaos doesn't even begin to describe it. There were times I wasn't sure I could make it. But here I am. I got my first baby to college and my last to kinder, while raising the two boys in between.
I had big plans for this week. I mean, it was the first time in six years that I had consistent, longer than 3 hours, to myself. I didn't even know what to expect, but I had made a list.
That list got thrown out the window. The silence is so strange. I found myself Tuesday just sleepy. Like my body finally relaxed and said...you can rest...just do it. Y'all I'm not gonna lie...I slept. I ate Nutella out of the jar, watched crap tv, read my book, and just slept. It was bliss. I started to feel bad, lazy even, but then thought to myself...screw that. I've spent the last 18 years raising children. The last 6 raising them as a work from home mom. I'm tired. My body is tired.
And I don't feel bad about it.
So instead of taking that list and pounding out all those things I've been waiting to do...this week I will rest. I will sit in silence, or in my case jamming out Big Bad Music, and allow myself to breath. I did it. We did it.
I will sit with the fact that it's ok.
It's ok to feel sad yet excited that I have some time to myself.
It's ok to have ordered pizza already this week even though I've had time to actually cook.
It's ok to hold my breath waiting for the first one of my children to get sick since school has started back and pray they don't.
It's ok to watch that 3rd episode of whatever.
It's ok to not do a damn thing this week because I can and I haven't been able to say that in who knows how long.
It's ok to feel empty that she is not a baby anymore. None of them are.
It's ok to feel guilty that you danced a little in your head when you dropped them off at school. And then let that guilt go.
It's ok to start dreaming of things you want to do.
It's ok if those dreams for yourself don't include your family.
It's ok if they do.
What I'm getting at is that it's ok to just sit. Sit in the stillness of the house. Don't like it? That's ok too. I don't feel guilty for allowing myself to be excited that she started school.
I love her more than all the stars in the sky and yet it's still ok to want to miss her.
My letter to her:
Six years. You've been by my side for six years. I've seen every milestone, every hiccup, every fall, every joy, every meal cooked, every diaper changed, every nose sniffle, every single thing I've been here for. I wouldn't trade the last six years for all the rubies in the world, but you're ready. I'm ready. We've talked, read, played, snuggled, cooked, traveled, cried, sang, danced, and lived. You have been my constant side kick for so long that it does feel like a limb I'm missing somehow. I hope you remember to be kind to everyone. To find that child sitting by themselves and ask them their name. To remember your manners even if you don't want to. Listen to your teacher, but remember that their opinion doesn't define you. Read, read, and then read some more. Readers are leaders. Home is your safe zone. You can be anyone you want to here. We are our safe landing. It's ok to pray before you eat and don't let anyone tell you differently. It's ok to say no as long as your respectful. You do not have to fit in, you are born to stand out. You were made for more. I love you baby girl.
xoxo Mellisa (aka: momma)