Well, there it is. I have one daughter in college and one who just stepped up on the school bus like she meant business. Kindergarten. College. Elementary & Middle School. ALL.THE.FEELS. Full circle feels. I've had so many questions this week like...
"what are you going to do?"
"are you sad? happy? scared? etc. etc."
"do you think you'll go back to working outside of the home?"
"will you be taking more clients now?"
All well meaning questions. They all come out of love. The thing is...I have no idea. I have spent the last SIX YEARS raising babies, whining butts, making a million snacks, doctor appointments, driving to and from every place imaginable, all while not only starting, but managing a business. Chaos doesn't even begin to describe it. There were times I wasn't sure I could make it. But here I am. I got my first baby to college and my last to kinder, while raising the two boys in between.
I had big plans for this week. I mean, it was the first time in six years that I had consistent, longer than 3 hours, to myself. I didn't even know what to expect, but I had made a list.
That list got thrown out the window. The silence is so strange. I found myself Tuesday just sleepy. Like my body finally relaxed and said...you can rest...just do it. Y'all I'm not gonna lie...I slept. I ate Nutella out of the jar, watched crap tv, read my book, and just slept. It was bliss. I started to feel bad, lazy even, but then thought to myself...screw that. I've spent the last 18 years raising children. The last 6 raising them as a work from home mom. I'm tired. My body is tired.
And I don't feel bad about it.
So instead of taking that list and pounding out all those things I've been waiting to do...this week I will rest. I will sit in silence, or in my case jamming out Big Bad Music, and allow myself to breath. I did it. We did it.
I will sit with the fact that it's ok.
It's ok to feel sad yet excited that I have some time to myself.
It's ok to have ordered pizza already this week even though I've had time to actually cook.
It's ok to hold my breath waiting for the first one of my children to get sick since school has started back and pray they don't.
It's ok to watch that 3rd episode of whatever.
It's ok to not do a damn thing this week because I can and I haven't been able to say that in who knows how long.
It's ok to feel empty that she is not a baby anymore. None of them are.
It's ok to feel guilty that you danced a little in your head when you dropped them off at school. And then let that guilt go.
It's ok to start dreaming of things you want to do.
It's ok if those dreams for yourself don't include your family.
It's ok if they do.
What I'm getting at is that it's ok to just sit. Sit in the stillness of the house. Don't like it? That's ok too. I don't feel guilty for allowing myself to be excited that she started school.
I love her more than all the stars in the sky and yet it's still ok to want to miss her.
My letter to her:
Six years. You've been by my side for six years. I've seen every milestone, every hiccup, every fall, every joy, every meal cooked, every diaper changed, every nose sniffle, every single thing I've been here for. I wouldn't trade the last six years for all the rubies in the world, but you're ready. I'm ready. We've talked, read, played, snuggled, cooked, traveled, cried, sang, danced, and lived. You have been my constant side kick for so long that it does feel like a limb I'm missing somehow. I hope you remember to be kind to everyone. To find that child sitting by themselves and ask them their name. To remember your manners even if you don't want to. Listen to your teacher, but remember that their opinion doesn't define you. Read, read, and then read some more. Readers are leaders. Home is your safe zone. You can be anyone you want to here. We are our safe landing. It's ok to pray before you eat and don't let anyone tell you differently. It's ok to say no as long as your respectful. You do not have to fit in, you are born to stand out. You were made for more. I love you baby girl.
xoxo Mellisa (aka: momma)
Happy Summer friends! The hubs was out of town the entire month of June for work so the kids and I did our best to make this month as uneventful as possible...didn't work lol. Ryder had a solid 10 days of a fever and around that 8 day mark(after a previous trip to Urgent Care), we headed to his pediatrician. They ran a slew of tests and decided to send him on to the ER for further testing...ie: a spinal tap. He handled it like a champ while I sat quietly in the corner with tears streaming down my face. I was so scared. Turns out after the tap, a chest X-ray, and blood work he was diagnosed with viral meningitis. He felt horrible. Even with that crazy diagnosis, I was still grateful. There were so many things running through my head and test results after test results came back empty, I was relieved to finally have a reason. We have no idea how he got it, or where it came from, but were so grateful that's all it was. I kept thinking what if. I sat and prayed for all the parents who didn't get that relief. I can't imagine.
He's good as new now and we're back to limiting electronic use and keeping them busy ;). The boys are currently upstairs priming a bedroom so we can begin moving everyone's rooms. A new season approaches. Kailyn will soon leave for college, Ella will officially start Kindergarten, and the boys will go on to the next grade. I was talking to my mom yesterday when I asked her what age she considered to be middle aged. 40. Holy crap, I'm 3 years away. How did that happen so fast? Yes, yes, people say how it goes by so fast, but until now...I haven't really realized it. I've been reading Rachel Hollis's new book Girl, wash your face and I'm just enthralled. I mean, I've read all kinds of self help and enlightenment books(it's my jam), but reading her words has put a new spin on MY next chapter of life. It's gotten me to think what do I want?
I've spent the last 6 years not only building my business, but raising my children. ALL of my time has gone to both of those two things. Balance. It's been a rough, tear filled, joy induced adventure. What's next? Rachel says to write down those dreams. REALLY write them down. She goes on to say these words that stuck like glue to my soul "I am successful because I refused to take no for an answer. I am successful because I have never once believed my dreams were someone else's to manage."
Think about those words for a second. What if every time you heard the answer "no" it gave you the drive to not only find out why, but push further? No one is in charge of where your dreams take you. Want to write a book? DO IT. Want to start a new business? Figure out HOW. You are the only one stopping you from doing what YOU want to do.
That brought me to my dreams. What did I want? Let me stop here and say I'm not talking about having a healthy, thriving, humble family. I'm hoping that is everyone's dream. I'm talking about the dreams you hide deep down inside. The dreams you fear if you said out loud that they may get laughed at. The dreams for your life that you have felt so unattainable.
Here are mine:
1) I want out of debt. It's no secret that I originally started this blog to keep myself accountable. I love to show people how we manage our finances, even if we fail.
2) I want my work to be published.
3) I want to write a book.
Those are my top 3. There are so many more, but I needed a starting point so I knew which way to begin.
What are your dreams? What is stopping you?