My outside nature is optimism, but inside I can see my dad. The "what if's," the negative, the trials, the tears, all of it. I'm a worrier by default. I wish I wasn't, but it's the truth. I worry if I'm doing it right with my kids, if my marriage is ok, am I feeding them enough healthy options, am I being an example of the adult I want them to be, am I putting myself first sometimes like I need to, am I showing them grace, am I playing with them enough...all of it. I don't think men know how much we worry about all those things on a daily basis. They're just programed like that. As a whole, I think women are. We wear so many hats at so many times, that it's hard to find joy in the mundane tasks of life and motherhood. Add financial issues, work schedules, due dates, and kid's appointments and my good gracious alive...it can all feel like too much.
When I feel my thoughts going in that direction the only thing I have found that puts my life in perspective is looking back on our year thus far. I was going through all the images from last year putting them strategically in our family yearbook (I do this every year) and just cried. It may seem mundane and alot of times it is, but when you look at it as a whole...there was so much love. Joy, happy tears, adventures, ice cream trips, backyard water fights, dinners, cookie making, reading, snuggling, and just living. When you find yourself doubting where your life is...look around. As I type this I currently have a 6 year old screaming, a 5 year old asking for her 4th snack, a very tired senior who stayed up all night finishing a paper, and a 12 year old stating he is bored. My life is chaos, but I honestly wouldn't know it wasn't the normal. This is all I've known. I've been a parent for 18 years so far, and although I may have more regrets I can count, they are still the air I breathe. This is what I was called to do. Every night I go to bed with the thoughts that tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start, and alot of times I still fail. In some way shape or form, but they still love me. They still call on me. I hope this is their safe place to land. Always. I am not perfect and I was never designed to be. Failure is just God's way of shaping me, refining me for what HE has called me to be.